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Who's the Daddy?

The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency forms under the section for listing father's details. These are appently actual statements, but we don't know from where, though.

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], I might have remained unfertilised.

Hats Off to the General
Editors note: We did our best to confirm this little story. No one was talking. All indications are that this actually happened, but we cannot be sure. Even if this is a fabrication, what a great answer!
This is supposedly a partial transcript of an National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and a US Army Lieutenant General Reinwald, about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: "So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?"
LTG REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
LTG REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."
INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
LTG REINWALD: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers!"
LTG REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
End of the interview.
Hats off, and a snappy salute, to the general.

Here's something to think about the next time you're sure the world is conspiring against you, or you're just having a bad day:
Fire authorities in California found a human corpse in a burned out section of forest while assesing fire damage after a recent forest fire. The deceased male was outfitted in a full wetsuit, complete with dive tank, flippers and a mask. Confused, they conducted an autopsy, which revealed the man had died not from burning or smoke inhalation, but rather from massive internal injuries. Still puzzled, investigators set out to figure out how a fully equipped diver ended up dead in the middle of a forest fire. Dental records provided a positive identification of the man, which led to the discovery that he had been on a diving trip off the coast, several miles away from the fire.
It was later revealed that firefighters, hoping to control the blaze as quickly as possible, had called in a small fleet of helicoptors with large drop buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown over the forest fire and emptied.
This guy never had a chance. One minute he was making like flipper in the Pacific, and the next he was treading water 1000 feet in the air.
He was responsible for extinguishing roughly five feet, ten inches of the fire.
Some days you should just stay in bed.

It's a Dog eat Dog World
Reprinted from Gazette News Services

Dog bit dog, so woman bit dog.
When a pit bull terrier attacked Dagmar Vidovic's toy poodle last week in Zabred, Croatia, she came to the rescue.
First, Vidovic jumped from a second-story window, breaking her ankle when she landed. Ignoring the pain, she poked the bull terrier in the eye, but that did not stop him.
Finally, she chomped on the dog's throat, and the beast gave up her tiny poodle, Zeni. Vidovic then scooped up the dog to safety.
Both poodle and owner are doing well. There was no word on the condition of the pit bull. The moral of the story is that the size of the dog is not nearly as important as the power of it's bite.

The following was taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out.
He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day...

MORE BAD DAYS!

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window, climb out, and swim to shore where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge-killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for his files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly.

Depressed since he couldn't find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y. was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up.
Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.

Two German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car over the middle of the road. At the moment of impact, their heads were both out of the windows where they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't even scratched.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself.
When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted.
Hearing a disturbance, a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place.
As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his wife were reconciled.