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These signs are not real, but somewhat funny nonetheless.

Sign in a non-smoking area:
"If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
"Push Push Push."

Sign on used car lot:
"Second hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign on fence:
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Sign at a hotel.
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

Sign in a science teacher's room:
"If it moves, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics."

Sign in an office:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

Sign in a veterinary's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Sign in beauty shop window:
"Dye now!"

Sign at a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place

Scientist's Door: Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels

Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming

Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you

Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be"

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got

Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any
place they want

Music Library: Bach in a minuet

General Conference: Welcome! We're generally in conference.