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Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.
Spike Milligan
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole itis spending less than my wife.
Ilie Nastase
I started out with nothing. I still own most of it.
Michael Davis
Those proud of keeping an orderly desk never know the thrill of finding something they thought they had irretrievably
lost.
Helen Exley
Education
We spent the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walkand talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
I used to keep my college room mate from reading my personal mail by hiding it in her textbooks.
Joan Welsh
I never lecture; not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to
lectures and don't want to meet them.
H.L. Mencken
I owe alot to my teachers and mean to pay them back some day.
Stephen Leacock
You have to wonder about a country where the bombs are smarter than the high school graduates. At least the bombs
can find Iraq on the map.
Whitney Brown
Food
No one goes to that restraunt anymore - it's to crowded.
Yogi Berra
Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary.
Oscar Wilde
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
I am not a vegitarian because I love animals: I'm a vegitarian because I hate plants.
A.W. Brown
The worst thing that ever happened to me was that I offered a fellow a crisp from my bag and he took two.
Vic Reeves
My wife does wonderful things with leftovers. She throws them out.
Herb Shriner
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis
Lawyers and other professions
My definition of utter waste is a coachload of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats.
Lamar Hunt
Literature
An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he can have someone to look up to.
Gene Fowler
I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your book before me. It will soon be behind me.
Max Rodger
Living - Family and Relations
Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.
Sam Levenson
I love children especially when they cry - for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford
Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight.
He can make no such prediction about his teenager daughter.
James T. Adams
My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.
Rita Rudner
My wife has a slight impediment in her speach - every now and then she stops to breath.
Jimmy Durante
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
My parents warned me never to open the cellar door or I would see things I shouldn't see. So one day when they
were out I did open the celler door and I did see things I shouldn't see - grass, flowers, the sun...
Emo Philips
A boy Scout troop is a lot of boys dressed as jerks, led by a jerk dressed as a boy.
Shelley Berman
Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into
teenagers.
Eugene P. Bertin
Love, sex, marriage...
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson
If it wasn't for pickpockets and frisking at airports I wouldn't have any sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
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