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"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." - Johann Sebastian Bach "A small town is a place where there's no place to go where you shouldn't." - Burt Bacharach "Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation." - Francis Bacon "Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down." - Russell Baker "Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost." - Russell Baker "The main thing I like about New Yorkers is that they understand that their lives are a relentless circus of horrors, ending in death. As New Yorkers, we realize this, we resign ourselves to our fate, and we make sure that everyone else is as miserable as we are. Good town." - Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Marion Barry, Mayor, Washington, D.C. "I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including: * Both of your socks should always be the same color * Or they should at least both be fairly dark - Dave Barry "In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home." - Dave Barry "Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet." - Dave Barry "The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible." - Bernard Baruch "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett "Happiness is good health and a bad memory." - Ingrid Bergman "Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's pupils." - Hector Berlioz "No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded." - Yogi Berra "You can observe a lot by watching." - Yogi Berra "LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911 "NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911 "PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary "Never moon a werewolf." - Mike Binder "After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history." - Bits & Pieces "I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone "An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. " - Erma Bombeck "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." - Erma Bombeck "History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon." - Napoleon Bonaparte "You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot." - Elayne Boosler "I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used." - Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, dying words "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." - Alison Boulter "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review "Always behave like a duck--keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath." - Jacob Braude "Basic research is when I'm doing what I don't know what I'm doing." - Wernher Von Braun "He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news." - Bertolt Brecht "A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him." - David Brinkley "If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed." - Beau Brummel "The best teacher is the one who suggests rather than dogmatizes, and inspires his listener with the wish to teach himself." - Edward Bulwer-Lytton "I don't feel good." - Luther Burbank, dying words "If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." - Milton Burle "Too bad all the people that know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair." - George Burns "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." - Red Buttons