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G

"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers."
- Gandhi
"I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance."
- King George V
"Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
- Sidney Goff
"America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn't charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar."
- Jane Goodsell
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like you passport photo."
- Al Gore
"When we ask for advise, we are usually looking for an accomplice."
- Marquis De La Grange
"Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease."
- Colin Greene
"These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder."
- Jeff Greenfield, news analyst, describing the jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial, 1995
"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
- Lewis Grizzard
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry



H

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
- Buddy Hackett
"Cute little babies that fall out of swings - These are a few of my favourite things."
- Oscar Hammerstein, working lyric for a piece from "The Sound of Music"
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."
- June Henderson
"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."
- J. Heller
"Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad."
- Help Wanted Ad, PA newspaper, 1994
"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. "
- Buck Henry
"Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes."
- Baendan Hills
"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there."
- Joel Hodgson
"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job
"Hell is paved with good samaritans."
- William M. Holden
"They think they can make fuel from horse manure.... Now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning."
- Billie Holliday
"If a thing is worth doing at all, it is worth doing badly."
- Gustav Holst, on amateur music-making
"Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt."
- Herbert Hoover
"And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another first -- an attempted suicide."
- Chris Hubbock, who shot herself during a broadcast
"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."
- Aldous Huxley




I

"Call on God, but row away from the rocks."
- Indian proverb
"Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders."
- Bob Inglis, 1995
"2,400,000 Americans play the accordian - hopefully not at the same time."
- inside of a Pepsi cap