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J

"Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?"
- Holbrook Jackson
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Rich Jeni
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
- Rich Jeni
"I hate mankind, for I think myself to be one of them, and I know how bad I am."
- Samuel Johnson
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
- Thomas Jones




K

"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
- Walt Kelly
"The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time."
- Leo Kennedy
"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible."
- Alfred A. Knopf
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
- Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
"If you look like your passport photo, you're too sick to travel."
-Will Kommen




L

"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks."
- Doug Larson
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Matt Lauer, on NBC's "Today" show, August 22, 1996
"Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."
- Denis Leary
"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk."
- Fran Lebowitz
"You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience."
- Stanislaw J. Lec
"He who limps is still walking."
- Stanislaw J. Lec
"Eh! Je suis leur chef, il fallait bien les suivre. (Ah well! I am their leader, I really ought to follow them.)"
- Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. "
- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2) Advising the President.
3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. "
- David Letterman
"I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on."
- Oscar Levant
"Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
- Abraham Lincoln
"The telephone company is urging people to *please* not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins tickets to caller number 95."
- Los Angeles disc jockey, right after the February 1990 earthquake