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"The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused."
- Shirley Maclaine
"I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence."
- Doug MacLeod
"Consumers are statistics. Customers are people."
- Stanley Marcus
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
- Groucho Marx
"I find television very educating. Every time sombody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
- Groucho Marx
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
- Groucho Marx
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies."
- Groucho Marx
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
- Groucho Marx
"We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife."
- Groucho Marx
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
- Jackie Mason
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."
- W. Somerset Maugham
"I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat."
- Michael McShane
"Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking"
- H. L. Mencken
"Criticism is prejudice made plausible."
- H. L. Mencken
"After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations."
- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
"Even if it doesn't work, there is something healthy and invigorating about direct action."
- Henry Miller
"My father was a minister. I had to make up for the lack of sin."
- Milwuakee mayor, on why he became a politician
"I love children especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away."
- Nancy Mitford
"When you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research."
- Wilson Mizner
"Author: A fool, who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on tormenting the generations to come."
- Montesquieu
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
- Francois Morency
"Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing."
- Engineer's Motto
"It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about. It's the twenty-thousand-odd other bullets labeled "Occupant"."
- Murphy's laws of combat




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"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
- Louis Nel, Deputy Minister of Information, South Africa
"Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin."
- John Von Neuman
"It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about. It's the twenty-thousand-odd other bullets labeled "Occupant"."
- Murphy's laws of combat
"Woman was God's second mistake."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
"I would have made a good Pope. "
- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
- Richard Nixon, U.S. President



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"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really do melt in your hand..."
- Peter Oakley
"There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."
- Flannery O'Connor
"The last good thing to be written in C++ was the Pachelbel Canon."
- Jerry Olson
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home."
- Kenneth H. Olson, President of DEC, Convention of the World Future
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
- Aristotle Onassis
"The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders."
- P. J. O'Rourke
"Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen."
- P. J. O'Rourke